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where were you, while we were getting high? [Jul. 2nd, 2008|09:49 pm]
[Current Mood |ecstaticecstatic]

i have so many unanswered questions running through my head.
my mind racing with things, that i should have said.
sometimes i wonder what would have become ; if i had just told you,
the way you made me really feel.
what would you have done if i told you, you were my world?
would you have said the same thing back; or would you have walked away and laughed?
what if i told you, all the pain you caused me,
how i cried because you stabbed me with every word you said.
would you have apologized or left me for good instead?
what if i told you i wanted your last name as mine?
would we have run off together?
or would you have left me behind?
my head is full of all these thoughts of you and me and us and we.
my thoughts are uncontrollable,
why couldn't you just see?
the truth is, i still think we are meant to be ; no i don't actually, i lied.
that's also something i've wanted to say,
for such a long time.
i've lied to you, oh so many times.
how many you ask?
now that's running through your mind.

bethany, my best friend wrote this with me as an inspiration

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(no subject) [May. 22nd, 2008|04:14 pm]
[Current Music |hallelujah, kate voegele.]

i dont know what to do right now.
it's thursday and i'll tell you about my week.

all weekend i didn't talk to albert, cause he was off doing other and better things and i knew something was up. monday, i fell asleep after school on the couch and i heard morgan and josh say they were going outside and so i fell back to sleep. about an hour later my mom comes home and starts freaking out cause she couldn't find them. they ended up being on the side yard playing with a saw. they're 10 and 11 yet they were playing with saws, and it was my fault. she started freaking out telling me i was irresponsible and how she wants me out of her house and this and that. it hurt, but i got over it. oh, and albert did something stupid to his hair over the weekend and i figured something was even more up with him because of all these changes. but the day ended okay, even though he wouldnt call me cause he was "talking on the phone long distance with his sister" idk if i believe that now. tuesday, started off a great day. i dont have sophomore lunch on tuesday, so i saw him when he was coming back from lunch. he kissed me and everything was fine. then bethany and i got into a fight and everything went down from there. we cleared things up and then it was time to leave. i saw albert, and we walked down the hallway holding hands and everything was great. i walked to his locker and then he was like 'im leaving' and i said alright. and we kissed, but he seemed weird at that moment and that moment only. i walked to my bus in the rain, got on the bus and went to sleep. i got awoken by a text message from him saying quote "im sorry marisa but we need a break" i called him and he wouldnt give me an actual reason. just that he has "shit going on" and i was only making it worse by asking him if we could talk and work it out. i cried my eyes out, and i swear to you he didnt care at all. i listened to him want to get off the phone while i was balling and he did not care. i prromise you this. i went to my dad's house which made it okay, but i was obviously still upset. wednesday we had a half day and he walked right in front of me lke i never exsisted. like we didnt date for 10 months, and it hurt so bad. i started walking to the corner so i could walk to mcdonalds with bethany and he walked in front of me with andy, and completely ignored me again. the worst feeling in the world is knowing that the person you are in love with, and have been in love with for almost a year and a half (4months the first time, 6 the second time) doesnt care about you at all and can walk right past you, like you two never loved at all. now, thursday i have scarlett fever &strep throat and  feel like death

i want death, i want love, i want him. i dont know what i want.
i'm a mess. i need something, anything to make me sane again.
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(no subject) [Feb. 20th, 2008|12:11 am]
[Current Mood |peacefulpeaceful]
[Current Music |Copeland]

It has been a rediculously long time since i wrote in here.
Everything has changed.

I have lost the friends i thought were my closest, and i have gained friends i never in a million years thought i would converse with, let alone be close with. I gained back the boy i never thought i would ever have feelings for again, and i couldn't be happier. Although it took a few tries to finally find love in him again, i wouldnt change a thing. I have lost all passion for my school and everyone in it. My shop has become drama central, and i cannot stand it anymore. Constant arguing and talking about people behind their backs is becoming unbearable. And who in their right mind likes academics better than shop? I have about a half a year left and im being cautioned with expulsion if i'm tardy two more times. Family is fine, my grandpa moved into a nursing home, and i miss him so much. He's better there with people who can take care of him because my mom has too much on her plate. Oh which reminds me, my stepdad is in kuwait. Yes, he was deployed in October and will be returning in July, i believe. My mom is crazy without him, but we deal... somehow. My dad, well... he will always be my dad. He'll never realize i deserve respect in my thoughts and wishes also. It doesn't bother me so much anymore, but i still cry as much as i used to. I tend to cry over the absolute stupidest things, and I cant help myself. I think I have finally learned my lesson, on not taking things for granted.. because i surely do not anymore. You never know when life will come back at you, and throw you a problem you never expected. I feel like Dr. Phil or something because i try to give advice to people who usually could care less, but i guess that's what i was put on this earth for... I care for people, kill me.

Well, this has been wonderful but I'm about ready to wrap up. Until next time!<3
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(no subject) [Jun. 18th, 2007|03:21 am]
i know what i am supposed to be in life.
i make it what i want, and do with it what i please.
i don't want to blame anyone else for what happens.
and i'm not making up excuses anymore for mistakes.

it's no one else but myself that gets me into the situations i'm in.
and i need to start realizing that, and sticking to it, so i don't dig myself deeper.

i am thankful, and i am not going to look at the downside of things anymore
but only as a learning experience, and live life to the fullest, cause you only have one.
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